(speech) #9

Scars.

Since young, I have been a very accident prone kid. I would trip over anything, even when there’s literally nothing I would still fall down. So if anyone sees that I’m about to fall please lend a hand in catching me. And this resulted in a lot of scars on my legs, such as the usual ones on my kneecaps, scratches on my arms and palms, and once even from stitches due to a puncture wound.

 

I used to think that this was sort of like karma, as I was overly sheltered by my parents in the past. They wouldn’t allow me to go out and play at playgrounds, they won’t let me join sports ccas, and the notion that PE is a tedious and unnecessary lesson was somehow ingrained into my head. So it was safe to say that I didn’t even have the chance to get hurt when I was younger. And that lead to me getting injured really often whenever the opportunity shows.

 

So the first time I fell down, was in P1 during PE. It was my first time playing soccer and I was sent to be the goal keeper. While running towards the goal post, I tripped on something (idk whats that something) and fell face flat. I had sand everywhere, on my face, in my wounds, and I even had to wash out my mouth. It was the first incident I remembered feeling so humiliated, and I can still recall the taunts of my classmates about my appearance. After that, soccer left a sour taste in my mouth, and I never bothered to attempt playing it again. Hence there is a 90 degree angle difference between where I want the ball to go and where I actually kick it to.

 

At first when I was nursing my wounds, I mourned over the loss of unblemished skin more than the fact that I had to wait for a week before I could bend my leg again. I honestly thought the discoloured indents were ugly and abnormal. Considering I was the one who fell the most out of my circle of friends, being the only one with all these scars and markings made me stand out like a sore thumb. And the process of getting rid of scars is not easy. Definitely not as easy as obtaining them.

 

My worst fall to date, was in Y4, when I was trying to make it to the extra mass lesson for Social Studies. So to get to the hall, you need to get up this flight of steps of the amphitheatre. The steps are pretty wide, and some of the ceramic tiles that line the steps were broken. Time and time again, people have warned me not to run up or down the steps, saying that I would fall and hurt myself, but I did it anyways because yolo right? (lmao no) Despite the warnings of my classmates, I ran up the amphitheatre steps and I tripped over one them. I recall that my mac flew out of my hands (my mac is still going strong to this date whew) and I didn’t even know I had a wound until I sat down, and another classmate asked why was I bleeding. I looked at my leg, and lo and behold was the 1.5cm puncture wound in all its glory on my shin. I was sent to the A&E and there I found out how deep it was: it almost tore into my muscle and I received 2 stitches. As the saying goes, once burned, twice shy. I never ran up or down the cursed amphitheatre steps again, and I tried my best to heed the words of those around me.

 

Same as all of the other scars, it holds shame and regret. It’s almost like a tattoo, a mark to bear for life, and in my case, for the stupid things I did. You can say that the wound has healed, but the deeper the wound was, the worse the scar would be. Some days I get paranoid, when I move and feel the scar tissue around that area stretch, I ask myself, would the old wound rip open again? When it does, would it be harder to heal? Would the new scar be even bigger? Wounds can heal, scars can fade, but they will always be there.

 

But after about 10 times of getting injured one way or another and I would just stare at my wound and go “meh this is just gonna be another mark but its gonna be a bitch to heal.” The revelation came slow, but steadily. With every added scar, they started to layer over each other, and over time, I stopped bothering to keep track of them. They don’t need any more attention, just leave them there to do whatever they want. The more you poke at them, the higher the chance something will happen to it.

 

When people question me about my scars, they also start to reveal their own cases of getting injured too. I’m not saying that I’m happy about others getting hurt, please take care of yourself and your wellbeing, but I’m actually glad to have a scar buddy. She was my classmate and friend for 4 years, yet I did not know that she tripped and fell on the amphi steps as well in Y1, for the same reason, and had a puncture wound on the exact same spot on the same leg. Coincidence, but a shared experience nonetheless.

 

Would I choose to remove these scars from my body? After thinking over it, I wouldn’t want to trade them away. Getting rid of my scars would be akin to wiping the memories formed and experiences learnt, while they may bear a burden, they serve as a physical reminder. So far, my scars are only caused by me, I only have myself at fault. We all have scars, and mine just happens to look like this. They might be visible to the world, but they are only a small percentage of who I am, yet they symbolise so much more.

 

And the end, quoting from a song’s lyrics (some of yall will knowww) “The scars from my mistakes form my very own constellations”.

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(speech) #7

Spite

 

For some reason, my primary school liked to invite motivational speakers to give talks during hall assembly. In all honesty I thought they were all pretty bad, especially when I attended 2 talks under the same speaker and he basically just memorized the content word for word, and it was like watching a recorded video. But there was one assembly, when the speaker asked us “Why is it that you wake up every morning?” I don’t remember the rest of the talk, all I know is that firstly, she didn’t give any direction or explain why that question was so important, and secondly, for every reason some student replied she would ask, why?

 

The students that volunteered gave the generic reasons: to go to school, because my parents will scold me, etc. With her pestering, the reason went all the way to “so that I can have a better future”. Even then, she was not satisfied.  Let me remind you that we were only in primary school. And it was only when I grew older, then I understood that she was trying to make us realize, that it was important to know what is it that drives us in life?

 

The idea for this speech popped up when I came across a tumblr post, which said: Apparently “spite” is not an appropriate answer to “What motivates you?” As someone who has made many decisions out of spite, I thought it was a perfectly good reason. It may not be politically correct, but it’s kind of legit. For example, making a speech about that horrible speaker from 7 years ago is purely, out of spite.

 

A more general example, would be when someone taunts you and doesn’t believe that you can accomplish something. On one hand, you may feel like serving a punch to their face, but on the other, all the more you would want to exceed their expectations to punch them figuratively. And that attempt is most probably your best attempt at it. I maintained the idea of spite being a 100% legit reason, until I talked to my friend about it and expressed horror at my views. From there, I found some explanations behind why spite is not an appropriate reason to dish out during interviews.

 

First of all, it is hard to maintain spite as your motivation. Spite in itself is more of an adrenaline rush, and there is the crash at the end, just like drinking coffee. Unless you are someone who can bear grudges for a long time, or have a strong mental capacity, spite usually just comes and goes. And so will your will to continue with whatever journey you decided to commence.

 

Secondly, when your pure driving force is based on a relatively negative emotion, you won’t find yourself enjoying what you do. Your end goal is to just achieve success, and yes you may achieve it, but what about all the lost opportunities along the way? It’s like having tunnel vision, you become so focused on your target, that you forget to look around you.

 

No motivation is perfect. The seemingly flawless answers that people give when they are questioned are most probably prepared, and I guarantee at least 20% of it isn’t true. So while spite is not the perfect incentive in life, you certainly can make use of it.

 

An analogy that would help here, would be riding a bicycle for the first time. My mom used to hold the back of the bike, and made sure I was steady. Then she would push the bike and release it, and my fate was in my hands. Spite is like that initial push, a driving force that gets you started. When the bike is released though, you would have to pedal for yourself and gain momentum. The bike can’t be pushed by something else forever.

 

To maintain the spite for a longer period of time, I discovered that, the closer that something associated with the spite is to your heart, the easier it would be. My parents wanted me to take physics as they strongly believed that I would flunk my biology, and guess who indicated on the form to confirm my subject combi without consulting my parents? My enthusiasm in the subject hasn’t weaned, because biology is something I genuinely enjoy studying. The adrenaline rush caused me to submit the form, and the crash came when I had to tell my parents what atrocious sin I had committed. And after that, all was well.

 

In the case of wanting to prove yourself, spite is good, but not so when you want to pursue a path and it affects others. However, because spite is that initial nudge, it doesn’t mean that you can’t find more legit reasons along the way. When you manage to release yourself from that tunnel vision, you can find many other things worth striving for. A newfound love of what you do, wishing that others don’t go through what you have gone through, or someone inspiring you, are all equally legit reasons why you continue to let yourself down a path.

 

Hence go forth my friends, and do not be afraid if it is out of spite.

(speech) #6

Body Image

 

For centuries, we have been searching for what we call “beauty” (or what I like to call “aesthetic”), and it comes in many forms, like nature, art, and especially people. And I know there are various types of beauty, like the emotion or soul version, and the more commonly known: outer appearance. From the title of my speech, you know I’m going to dive into the latter.

 

With a certain level of obsession over outer appearances, the term body image pops up. Body image is defined as the perception that a person has of their physical self as well as the thoughts and feelings that result from that perception. These feelings can be positive, negative or both, and are influenced by individual and environmental factors. Or to be put in simpler terms, body image is what you see when you look at the mirror, and how that makes you feel.

 

I decided to pick this topic, because a relatively close junior of mine went through a tough time during the December holidays. She definitely isn’t stick-thin, but I wouldn’t say that she is on the opposite end either. The reason why she was so upset was because of a few cases of her being viewed as “pregnant”. The worst instance was when the receptionist at a clinic she went to joked out loud that she looked pregnant with such a huge belly. Differentiating between a pregnant and a more curvy person would actually be a common dilemma when we sit on that reserved seat on MRT trains, but in this case it seemed pretty extreme to me, because she had been regularly exercising through the holidays (which I definitely did not do). It was a huge blow to her, as she is the type of person who is always self-conscious about her weight and appearance.

 

And I am sure that some of us here has gone through, or are still going through, that process of reviewing our general appearance and judging ourselves, maybe even taking action to “improve” on it. I’m not saying that this is an entirely bad thing, and I will elaborate more on that later. It does have its own pros and cons. But to make the best out of this situation, we have to first analyze what leads us to have these perceptions of ourselves.

 

The usual reasons, society and media influences, are the keys to how we perceive ourselves. While the media showcases what people consider as beautiful/handsome, society tells us directly or indirectly what we are lacking. And with a combination of the two, it sort of becomes an all-rounded reason why we need to change ourselves and fit into that “mould”. However, sometimes we shape ourselves to what we personally find attractive, something we seek for ourselves when we look at others.

 

Now, how we decide whether it is a good or bad thing depends on the reason why that, is considered as beautiful/attractive. I read this article in the past about some scientists who did research on beauty through the ages, for example in the past people of a more beefy or curvaceous figure were considered more desirable as it shows that they are more well-off and thus, well-fed. It signals to others that these people can accommodate you and you will be well treated. However, currently with the development and increased research on health, a leaner body is preferred as it signals that the person is healthy and likely illness free. These are surprisingly practical reasons why someone would be considered attractive. If you use your appearance to judge how healthy and fit you are, and that is your aim, then, by all means, go for it. Health is one of the main priorities in life, and we have to maintain it. And in general, if you’re able to change yourself for the better, it increases your self-confidence, and if you managed to reach that goal that you set for yourself and maintain it, that self-confidence will increase more than proportionately.

 

But the downside, is when the reason is just, it looks better like this, or because your bias looks like that, or you find out that your crush prefers that type better. When the reason for changing yourself is something that can be easily uprooted, more often than not that “goal” will be out of reach. When this happens we subconsciously raise the bar higher and higher, and that, leads to obsession. Most of us here have heard of nightmarish cases of people addicted to plastic surgery, developing eating disorders, and sometimes, physical mutilation. For my junior, it was dieting to the point of eating only an apple a day. That enough, was something I didn’t want to experience again

 

That’s why before any of us embark on this journey to “improve” our looks, I want you to ask yourselves, is it actually worth it? Is this method the best method of achieving that goal that you want? In fact, you should still ask yourself this question through that journey. Weigh your pros and cons, because sometimes they may not be just limited to these very obvious and straightforward points, since this path doesn’t just affect you and your body. It has an impact on those around you as well. And if we are just bystanders, we need to come to understand that everyone gives a different weightage to each pro and con. Thus, we can’t really criticize others for how they decide to lead their life, and all we can do is be there to support them. But we should also know when to step in, especially at the point where while they try to find that ideal image, they start to lose themselves instead.

(speech) #5

Spectacles.

I feel that everyone has a love-hate relationship with spectacles, or glasses, whatever you call it. I have noticed this trend, of people who don’t need glasses trying to get one (I mean look at the number of people who want to wear fake glasses too look cool), but when you actually require glasses to see your world in HD, you desperately try to find a way to cure myopia.   And I’m just the same thing. Just a lot more naïve in the past. When I was a lot younger, I really wanted to wear spectacles as the rest of my family does. My mom actually warned me against it, but I went ahead to spoil my eyes anyways. Needless to say, I regretted it.

 

Because the first unpleasant thing about spectacles comes even before you get one: picking them out. I don’t actually recall my first time getting specs, but I know that there were 2 major headaches: firstly, the cost of the glasses that my parents complained about on more than one occasion. Secondly, when they told me to pick something I like, it doesn’t mean I have free reign of what I’m going to wear on my face for the next year and beyond. It meant: nothing too expensive (obviously), no fancy frames like the kind with designs at the side, and surprise surprise no white. I actually still have no idea why white is a taboo colour for glasses to my parents, but I never really questioned it. Maybe someone they hated wore white glasses. So this resulted in my parents critiquing every frame I wanted to try on my face.

 

There are also other very obvious reasons why people don’t like wearing glasses. They fog up when you eat hot food or when you get out of an air-conditioned room; you have to put them on every morning just to see what’s right in front of you; they get in the way when you are just trying to facepalm at the ridiculousness of this entire situation.

 

But the most troublesome yet interesting thing is that with spectacles, comes some form of stereotypes. You see, glasses is not only a necessity to some, it can also be a fashion accessory. Thus we see the sudden increase in people wearing “Harry potter glasses” or basically the ones that K-pop stars wear so often. (No offense) I had an aunt that concluded that all those who didn’t wear those Harry potter glasses were hard muggers, even though I felt like reminding her that her daughter was wearing those round glasses and scoring straight As at some prestigious school and then, you look at me.

 

But I guess, spectacles do have their benefits. Maybe their benefits aren’t really obvious, and are more indirect. For example you can say that I made friends with glasses and oh boy look at the amount of blackmail material in my hands. Blackmail material as in old noob photos of them with their weird specs in sec 1. They are the best material to make telegram stickers with.

 

Or just look at the number of times we teased each other for forgetting to bring our glasses to school. It happened to one of my CCA batchmates and the worst part was that she sat at the back of the classroom and is basically blind without them. She was serious about claiming to be unwell and going home because she definitely wasn’t going to be productive that day. Another CCA batchmate almost tripped and fell during footdrill, when she wasn’t able to see the small step in front of her.

 

I think the least direct benefit, would be the lessons or takeaways from wearing glasses. You know how glasses are always used as a metaphor for what perspective we use to view the world, because it literally does. The prime example would be the phrase viewing the world in rose-tinted glasses. It serves as a reminder that you can always change your lenses to fit your needs, e.g. if you have sensitive eyes you can have those lenses that turn into shades when the sunlight is strong. Some lenses may look aesthetic, but are ultimately useless and make your eyes hurt, like literally rose-tinted lenses. And that’s just one of many.

 

I can never really decide if I like spectacles or not, but considering that I’ll most probably be with them for life, I might as well start to.

(speech) #4

Selfish or Self-care?

After going through PW, I’m sure that almost everyone here had this dilemma: Your group wants to meet up over the weekend at an inconvenient time for you to discuss some parts of the action plan or basically fill up more of the report that no one actually understands. Technically it is expected of you to show up, but you really don’t feel like dragging yourself out of the house and then proceeding to travel for 45 minutes back to school to meet the equally half-dead faces of your groupmates. You guys didn’t even get much done the previous meeting. So, you proceed to make up some excuse of being busy or not feeling well in general. Maybe you could go edit the document later(?), so that you don’t need to drag yourself out of bed so early in the morning to make the long journey to school. Maybe you heaved a sigh of relief and dived back into bed, going, oh gr8 finally some rest. But, maybe your teammates would think “They must be ponning.” Sounds familiar, does it not?
This is something I struggled with a lot in upper secondary when working on my CmPS project. Even now, I am still having difficulty differentiating between the two, especially since I have also experienced PW. (In case people don’t know, CmPS is Community Problem Solving and its something like PW, just that you actually have to carry your project out.)
So, this leads back to the title of my speech. The big question: Am I being selfish, or is it just self-care? Let me define what is the difference between the two. If I use a Venn diagram to show the relationship between the two, they would be 2 intersecting circles. The intersecting part, would be that in other’s point of view, YOUR wellbeing is the only priority to YOU. And thus there is the guilt (or at least for me, I dare not assume the same of everyone). And maybe people do expect you to be guilty for taking time away from the project. Guilt tripping thus ensures, and you may or may not attempt to make up for it.

 

However, there are differences between the two. The most distinct one, is that self care means that you make sure that YOUR needs are met before doing anything else, so that you can SUPPORT others better. For example, let’s say that your group has split up the work amongst yourselves. Halfway through doing up your part, your groupmate comes over to you and says “hey, can you help me with this part because I have NO IDEA what is going on here.” And yes, they do have the expectation that you would try to help them, but remember, you are still halfway through your part. And you are also struggling with the goshdarn limitations of your action plan. So while there is the expectation hanging there, you also feel this tug of reluctance as you scroll to the place where your groupmate has trouble with, as it is super, messed up.

 

At this point, that reluctance is justified. While they may be your groupmate, you certainly have enough on your hands. If you aren’t even done with your part yet, how can you have the capacity to help your groupmate as well? Afterall, everything is under the same report.

 

In this case, maybe your groupmates will understand if you reject them, and say that you might look at theirs when you are done with your part.

 

In other cases, sadly, your groupmates won’t understand. My CmPS experience in the past is definitely not a smooth or good one. C here can confirm it as well, as we spent our Y3 miserably with the project :))))  It was pure torture through and through, and I was not prepared for the commitment it required. 10/10 would not recommend.

 

The major factor that came into play was our group dynamics. We naturally split into cliques, as we so happened to be allocated into 2 classes. 5 of us in 06, and the other 3 in 12. There was this weird intersecting of social groups as well, but let’s not dive into that. As I had mentioned in a previous speech, Y3 was a very tough year for me, with a lot of expected and unexpected responsibilities and commitments popping up. It was exhausting. Unable to cope with all the work, I often turned to taking breaks, which meant, I admit it, that I did not contribute as much as the others, and thus there was the backlash. Nearing the second half of the year a fight just broke out, after months of bottling up emotions and salting on Instagram. The words still hurt today. While our project kind of(?) had a happy ending as we got into the national finals and all, the rest of my life wasn’t going so well. Other than the unexpected commitments, my grades also suffered pretty terribly.

 

Yes, at that time, my groupmates thought that I was selfish, to not prioritise our project, and do “my own stuff” instead. But it was obvious to me that I am not coping well with life, and I took time to sort out my things. I did appreciate the work that they have done for the group, it was obvious that they really wanted things to work out well, and I wished to be on board with them. And when you land in situations like this, you have to remind yourself that yes, you took breaks when they expected you not to, but you needed the break. You had no intention to make them do more of your work, and that all you wanted to do is to replenish yourself. Of course, we shouldn’t abuse this reason, and should instead seek a balance: the balance between taking care of yourself, and others, such that no one burns out. While you have this set of reasons for yourself, expect others to need breaks or not “do the thing you want them to do”. It is only fair that they take care of themselves too.

 

It makes life a lot easier when you know what is done out of selfishness or what is done out of self-care. There will always be grey areas, resulting in the unavoidable intersection of both at times, but I hope that the lines have become a bit clearer to all of you.

 


You and your group mates have to understand the limits of how much effort and time you can put into the project, and you all have to agree on it, then proceed to work around it and adjust it to fit everyone. THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE TEAM CHARTER.

C: *nods agonizingly slowly with a beautifully pained smile*

routine

Song playing: let’s not fall in love – big bang (really disappointed in them now but welp for a diff post)

I like routine. I like to know what to expect. I like being in control of what’s going to happen next, so I can be prepared and I won’t panic and go into overdrive. I don’t like deviating from the original route unless that is my backup plan.

I like timetables cause I know what is the next lesson thus I can prepare what I need to bring, who I might meet along the way, what I can settle along the way. The second point is the important part.

I would know the exact time I need to duck my head or smile, give myself a mental pep talk on how I should present or react, based on the previous round of interaction.

When I meet someone more than once a day (other than C or YZ and Am or my classmates) I just…have a mental block. Idek how. Or when I raise my head a minute too early and make awkward eye contact with someone across the room or corridor and it’s too far to wave or smile but close enough to acknowledge their presence.

J2

Song playing: Promise – Park Jimin

J2 has been going relatively well so far…? Considering there wasn’t much drama (directed to me) I’m actually faring pretty well. Still a few bumps along the way, but its definitely a road full of potholes this year.

There’s also more responsibilities this year, and I’m not sure if I actually have the capacity to carry them all (I mean since when was I ever sure) especially this is like the first time in forever I have majority of my stuff straightened out (I think). Homework is done and submitted on time, I understand my lectures, I’m actually making my own notes, enjoying tuition and trying my best to learn what I didn’t last year. There are a lot of regrets that I have for last year, and I feel that I had wasted it. Especially for econs lmao how am I even going to catch up with micro I’m so dead. The other day Sn was like macro is not really my thing micro was, then I just said well micro wasn’t my thing if macro isn’t going to be my thing ECONS IS JUST NOT MY THING HAHAHAHA damn look at how screwed I am. Maybe I should sign up for those crash courses. Also I need to get guide books.

In all honesty, the new econs teacher is not very good (slow with tutorial, never really answering our questions, vague explanations etc) which is really bad for macro especially when its closer to human geog. The lecture notes are lacking what we need to write in essays (leading to half of us going huhhhhh when she goes through the tutorial lmao) and idk how the other half of my classmates know what to write (maybe tuition ohohoh) The thing is I really don’t have time to take up another tuition so ye crash courses then.

Again the situation with R isn’t smooth and I check her blog occasionally as a weather forecast and recently she’s been having very violent thoughts about me (also evident from the messages she spammed C because I blocked her) And this just stemmed from me leaving the commanding group when she joined even though 1) it’s really none of her business 2) why she suddenly decide to command right after I did lmao I tried to convince her last year from the start and she was so damn reluctant 3) I finished all my commanding dutiessss. Sn said maybe she genuinely wanted to command and got triggered cause it kind of showed I was still so affected even though she didn’t do anything to me. Okay a possible and valid point but 1) I’ve been friends with her for 2 years I know what she’s thinking 2) She was the one who told me to stay away from last year if not she’ll act irrationally so why is she trying to appear in front of me now (she obv knows I’m in commanding) what’s with the double standard lmaooo. <— I typed the part after this first then I was like no I need to get this out of my system. I’m trying very hard not to think about R cause it kind of affects my mood and these few days it has been getting betterrrr like there are still thoughts of her and more sighs but it doesn’t affect how my day goes and I remain pumped up for the rest of it so yeee. Sn told me not to bother about R anymore so I guess it’s kind of an assurance that I’m not responsible for taking care of her/my reasons were …reasonable/stop the mentality that I shouldn’t have “abandoned” her.

Also my mood and energy has improved a lot like how is it cause there is less toxicity in my life.

My class is right next to S’s btw so its been easier and less awkward saying hi and talking (only with the aid of Sn lmao AHHAHHAHA thanks bro) but somehow if I see her once that day I see her like 5 times in a row what even HAHAHHAH I don’t know if I should say hi more than once or what its just skdjhfglkjfdhlkjgdf as of now I think I’m over…? her and more of confused of where she is in my social circle and I’m still more aware about her and all but it will come to passss.

Bulldozing through my speeches for cca was so draining oh gawd like I just did 6 speeches in a row and then I got sick for 2 sessions and next week I gotta present another one (and (un)fortunately it’s a paired speech with C HAHAHHA) and we’re not done with the script and I hope the cca would enjoy it ahhahahha

After a bit it’s not just about completing 10 speeches but also about whether your audience will enjoy that speech as well because no one wants to go down for cca and stone at your speech for 4-12(!) minutes and I also wanted it to be like a story where they can learn more about me or the topic that I want to focus on. It is like opening a new door to a new perspective and getting your brain to work the gears and analyze why we haven’t opened it before and it’s just pretty amazing (tbh it might just be in my pov) it’s like a wHOLE nEW wORLD *gets slapped*

My attention is usually really bad, so unless it is a really engaging speech then I would tune in throughout, and I feel bad but then ppl also do that during my speech lmao welp but from there you can really differentiate between the meh speeches and the good ones and you learn from their speeches like their format and how they express their view/points with examples. My hands (and sometimes, legs) still shake though. With more practice, I think I can get rid of the nervous tick.

Let’s strive towards a better year ^^

dream log

Song playing: Silence – Before You Exit (im really obsessed with this song for some reason and it gives really sad vibes)

I took a really long nap today to make up for the lack of sleep.

I dreamt of S, and how we might have been friends if we met in lower sec. I can’t remember the details of it, I only got really sad when her voice was all static-y because I can’t remember what she sounds like. I don’t talk to her much ahha. S didn’t say anything for the rest of the dream.

I was thinking about how next year will be the last year I’ll ever see her. Or anyone else I know now for that matter. I’m guessing that everyone will go on very different paths, like going to very different universities (even overseas wow this is getting really great and scary for some reason) I wonder what path is she planning to take. I think she’s taking up H3 (probs chem? whew smart peps everywhere) I hope that I have the chance to talk to her. But then at the same time, I hope it wouldn’t be some forced interaction. Maybe its better to stop chasing that particular butterfly.

But anyways my feelings are fleeting so hopefully, hopefully, I won’t feel anything when next year starts.

 

 

petty.

I really wanted to post this on a diff site but I don’t want to stir up chaos again.

 

I remember the day when I decided to march into guild CCA like it was a war zone, figure tense, not looking at anyone as I dragged over a table to sit down at the back.

When my friend convinced me to join the CCA for just one session to see how it goes, she told me about a quiet place where no one would bother me, and it was air-coned. I knew you would be there, but I had naively hoped that you would have ignored me. I naively thought that she would watch the session carefully, and that she would intervene when anything goes wrong. Who knew, that after another friend shyly handed me a packet of biscuits and I thanked him, you came over. And that was not even 5 goddamn minutes from when I stepped in. I froze while taking out my econs homework, when you decided to approach me, asking with a smile on your face “Why are you here?” I blatantly ignored you, as I took out my pen to write. You leaned against my table, and I shirked backwards into my seat. You repeated your question. I ignored you again, this time whipping out my phone to scroll through, trying to seem busy. Indirectly telling you to back off. I don’t want to talk to you. You took the biscuit packet (now it’s tainted), and tore it open, offering it to me. (I can open the goddamn biscuit by myself) Like I was a dog you were trying to bribe, to bring home and call yours. “Here, eat it.” And after that, I ignored whatever you said. You probably mentioned something along the lines of “Can we talk?”, “I’m sorry about that time.” Or whatever. When you didn’t seem to be leaving any time soon, I got fed up. I didn’t want to talk to you, and being in this close proximity was not doing any good either. And where was my friend? I packed up. “Oh nonono you don’t have to leave,” you pleaded while calling my name, but I was too far gone. What else could I have done? If the bug refuses to leave, just go somewhere else instead.

 

“JUST WHAT DO YOU WANT?” you yelled after me as I stormed out of the classroom, as I raced down the stairs to go to raja again. As if I was not obvious enough through the entire thing.

 

And that day I sobbed my heart out at Raja because why was I so stupid to think any better of you. I sobbed again while being babysat by primers, waiting at the Y1-4 parade square, wiping my tears as my friend settled the entire fiasco, and hoping that I won’t have to bump into you when I go home. I stayed at the parade square with my friend as we both cried while watching the sun go down. She recounted the entire experience. And all that I could remember from that part was that you thought I was there to torture you. You, who approached me with a smile on your face as if I wanted to go for guild just to mend this wreck of a friendship, and refused to back down even after I showed all signs of NOT wanting to talk to you. You, thought I was there to torture You.

Just like how you don’t think of me when doing these things, why should I listen to you when you tell me to not to appear in front of you all of a sudden, as if I was the one who was asking for this entire thing to happen? Why should I follow what you tell me to do, when you yourself purposely sit right in front of my class during econs lecture? (ha ironic)

But, like a dog under command, I followed anyway. Don’t think it is over however. I will try my best to be especially happy when you are in proximity, or when you are in a position where you can definitely spot me. I will have the best time of my life when you can only stop and stare.

 

And no, I don’t want to give you closure anymore. Cause, just like you said to everyone else,

 

I’m fucking petty.

Happy birthday

Song playing: some random lofi playlist from youtube

Hey,

I’ve gotten one year older. Maybe wiser, maybe stronger, but still have a lot of room to grow. Warning beforehand that this is going to be a pretty depressing post with promos just round the corner lmao.

Today is the day when I think back to the past few years and how I spent them. I think back to the equally happy and sad times this year. Did I regret anything? It’s always time to change isn’t it? But I never do, only inching along as the world continues to whirl at an alarming speed around me.

I don’t think I’ve gotten better acads-wise. In all honesty, I’m still as lazy as before. I still get distracted every 10 minutes studying. I am slow in completing work. I still don’t make notes like what I aimed to achieve. Where did that drive and passion go? It just fizzed out after a week, never making an appearance again.

Social-wise… I guess I’ve been trying to reach out to people with an open mind…? Talking to people I usually don’t talk to, regardless of my first impression of them, or any rumors circulating. Said hi to those who I might have avoided in the past, cause why not? It’s a small thing that can brighten someone’s day. (Although for some greetings I do require more physical effort cough N)

I started to drink more water, and exercise by running round the school track once a week. I guess that’s improvement…? Ahhahaha but I still don’t take regular lunches. My classmates have noticed but they don’t say anything so welp. Sn was a bit apprehensive at first but later she was like okay sure. I don’t feel hungry most of the time though, and I bring like bread from home so why not. C has been trying to get me to eat small snacks since I don’t get full meals. The acne meds have been working too, so I don’t really have any outbreaks anymore. Just that my lips get very dry and cracked, and I keep having to apply lip balm.

I still miss the days with R whenever I think back. But I don’t want to be roped into the mess again. So I shall leave the book closed as it is.

I’m not satisfied with myself. But yet I am content with my current position. Which is a weird feeling cause I’m constantly being pulled in both directions, leaving me tearing and in the same spot, unmoving.

So here’s a list of what I want to become, and I shall check back next year ahahha.

1) set a timer and goal for studying periods.

2) find a way to exercise in j2

3) find a good way to record things I need to do and can constantly refer to

4) make a schedule for time after school and weekends

5) stop hesitating when you don’t know how to do something. Do something about it! Don’t just stop and stare

I dare not write more cause I don’t have that high expectations of myself HAHAHAHA.

Sigh. Happy birthday again.