Happy birthday

Song playing: some random lofi playlist from youtube

Hey,

I’ve gotten one year older. Maybe wiser, maybe stronger, but still have a lot of room to grow. Warning beforehand that this is going to be a pretty depressing post with promos just round the corner lmao.

Today is the day when I think back to the past few years and how I spent them. I think back to the equally happy and sad times this year. Did I regret anything? It’s always time to change isn’t it? But I never do, only inching along as the world continues to whirl at an alarming speed around me.

I don’t think I’ve gotten better acads-wise. In all honesty, I’m still as lazy as before. I still get distracted every 10 minutes studying. I am slow in completing work. I still don’t make notes like what I aimed to achieve. Where did that drive and passion go? It just fizzed out after a week, never making an appearance again.

Social-wise… I guess I’ve been trying to reach out to people with an open mind…? Talking to people I usually don’t talk to, regardless of my first impression of them, or any rumors circulating. Said hi to those who I might have avoided in the past, cause why not? It’s a small thing that can brighten someone’s day. (Although for some greetings I do require more physical effort cough N)

I started to drink more water, and exercise by running round the school track once a week. I guess that’s improvement…? Ahhahaha but I still don’t take regular lunches. My classmates have noticed but they don’t say anything so welp. Sn was a bit apprehensive at first but later she was like okay sure. I don’t feel hungry most of the time though, and I bring like bread from home so why not. C has been trying to get me to eat small snacks since I don’t get full meals. The acne meds have been working too, so I don’t really have any outbreaks anymore. Just that my lips get very dry and cracked, and I keep having to apply lip balm.

I still miss the days with R whenever I think back. But I don’t want to be roped into the mess again. So I shall leave the book closed as it is.

I’m not satisfied with myself. But yet I am content with my current position. Which is a weird feeling cause I’m constantly being pulled in both directions, leaving me tearing and in the same spot, unmoving.

So here’s a list of what I want to become, and I shall check back next year ahahha.

1) set a timer and goal for studying periods.

2) find a way to exercise in j2

3) find a good way to record things I need to do and can constantly refer to

4) make a schedule for time after school and weekends

5) stop hesitating when you don’t know how to do something. Do something about it! Don’t just stop and stare

I dare not write more cause I don’t have that high expectations of myself HAHAHAHA.

Sigh. Happy birthday again.

Advertisements

updates

Song playing: When You Love Someone – DAY6 (on loop)

I guess a lot has happened since the last time I wrote here. JC was a huge whirlwind and more than half the year has passed. There were definitely more hard times than the easy and good ones, and I’m kind of surprised I made it this far.

Let’s just… review the stuff that happened.

I stopped being friends with R. And I don’t even contact her anymore. So much drama happened during the past 2 months I don’t even know anymore ahaha. I don’t know. Our arguments just got super frequent, and it was because of small things that I thought we got over already. And I felt even worse when it just, loops every 2 weeks or so. Even if I spot an argument coming early on, and I just give way to some stuff, it just built up the longer we talked. And then I just shut down on her and she said some pretty mean stuff. And after 3 hours of blocking me (every single time), she would just come back and apologize. And that’s literally it. She just says something along the lines of “hey I’m sorry can we start talking again?” So basically I just asked her what she was apologizing for. It started to feel as if she isn’t putting in the effort to apologize, as if she didn’t mean it. Like it was just for the sake of company, for the sake of continuing her conversation, for the sake of …it. This isn’t the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time. It just made me more pissed off that she doesn’t even know what she did wrong. Even now, she claims that she can’t even remember the argument and I’m just being petty. I felt like the relationship was becoming more toxic as the days passed, and it got pretty scary when I started to dread seeing her or spending time with her. There was a lot more drama, but it’ll most probably take me days to recall and recount them all. I’m just glad it’s over(…?) and that I had C who acted as the middleman and was there for me throughout, no matter my decision. I think it drained her a lot hahah sigh.

CTs definitely weren’t good ahahha. I failed 2 subjects (both S) and got a C and D. But hey at least I got one A (but like a majority of the cohort got really good results so…) Currently attending compulsory remedial and crashing those that I need. I’m trying to seek motivation from those around me, and it’s just a constant effort of reminding myself at this point. I wasn’t scolded this time, but what about promos?

I started to try not to spot S, and treat her more like a figure I look up to? I guess it’s a good thing to keep a nice image, and I just treat it as something I work towards? So instead of trying to be closer, I’ll just settle with trying to be more like her. I don’t know ahahha. I’m starting to feel that she’s changing into someone I don’t know, and I’m kind of scared and curious, but I know it’s not my position to do so.

These few days, I feel more lighthearted, I would look up to the designs of the sky at 7.24 am after walking out of the station, and tell myself that yes, today is a new day, and it will be a good day. It’s the first time I felt that the sky was so vast.

Is this closure?

Song playing: Dream with you – YOHIOloid

I actually created this post a really long time ago HAHAH but I guess I wasn’t at closure at that point in time.

So yes this is about fangirlling over S. Just the other day I was telling R about how I felt guilty and stuff for daoing S and I wanted to apologise to her for it and R just went ahead and told S dkshakhdjka but she was pretty chill and went “really meh”. It was pretty awkward after that but okay.

I’m thinking about her a lot less, letting my thoughts drift towards more impt stuff like PW group (cri help me for this) and like the -neverending- pile of hw ;_;

Ye so I hope that over time I’ll just naturally get over it? Not really forget about her (I’m not planning on daoing S again the gUiLt) but more of slowly bring her down the ranks of priorities? I guess it’ll work out this way.

A bit hopeful that this will be over soon.

Problems

Song playing: Go Go – BTS

List of problems I have to solve soon:

1) cousin coming over to my school

– aunt and other cousin bothers my sis because of it

– I have no idea what my cousin is like but my impression of her isn’t good

– if I ever go counselling again will she tell my aunt

2) bio or phy

– I chose bio but my dad just keeps saying that phy is more logical and suited for me

– also about what I’m going to do in the future

– so many people choosing phy but the same for bio

– bought and prepped for bio but why doesn’t he just

– sigh I just don’t get phy why are you making this so hard for me

3) R bugs me about not being as close to her

– tbh I just don’t wish to be that close as in sec school

– my grades cannot afford to drop anymore due to less time on studying and more on talking with her

– trying to make a gradual closure but like

– if I maintain the closeness then there would also be repercussions later during orientation or when the new class is up

– she basically told me to go see the counsellor if not I’ll be like my sis wow

4) primers…?

– parents don’t allow me to join cause of the commitment

– even if I illegally join but because of my parents what happens if frictions in the batch occur

– like every one was pretty bummed out and a bit pissed when that one batchmate doesn’t go for a ton of events

– I don’t want to be that person

– but now I don’t know if they are willing to bond(?) with me

– super awkward among the batch when there are the BB ppl

5) get over the fangirlling over S

– already lost the chance a damn long time ago to at least be on good terms with her

– have to get over it with V cause chupa

– why is she taking phy…?

Small chat

Song playing: Lonely – Kanto ft. Eddie Kim

Typing while being stuck on the lrt cri why.

Had like a small (?) chat with the oldest person in my batch today HAHAHA (V I mean)

It was comforting to talk to her about relatively deep stuff? That both of us could relate, and feel comfortable about revealing. We talked about what CCA we were planning on joining, what are we going to do in JC and uni, ppl we were fangirlling over in our batch (lmao chupa) and about why… I dunno it felt like a really meaningful and peaceful talk from the main gate to the mrt station and during the train ride too. It was hovering between the skim and deep type of convo.

Idt I’m gonna type the exact stuff in the convo, cause I worry that when I run over it, the memory will slowly fade and distort. So I guess I leave it here for now, and keep the feeling in place and be reminded.

Song playing:…

To those who try to justify adultery as an ” evolutionary need” and “humans might have done this before”, why not justify homosexually as an evolutionary need as well, seeing the overpopulation of humans is going out of control?

Self time

Song playing: Russian Roulette – Red Velvet, Okay – Jackson Wang

Some days I just wish I was by myself the whole day. No messaging, no talking, no meeting. Isolation is good sometimes, but I don’t think I ever had such a day. Maybe when I get older I would get it. On these days I wonder why are people so fixated on communication and basically socialising. But I guess I’m not like that all the time.

2.30 am thoughts

Song playing: Icarus – JJProject

I wish I was just as soundly asleep as on any other day. Not thinking about how I’m going to survive the rest of the day. In the morning, I have to accompany my mom for grocery shopping, but I wonder if she’s even well enough to go. I think I passed my fever and sorethroat to her. In the afternoon, I still have to go for taekwondo trail. Sigh my dad just woke up.

I just want to have some alone time. Must he always alert us of his presence when he’s awake? He doesn’t really have much right to tell us off when he’s the one who can’t sleep as well.

Somehow thought about drinks, then the mango peach chill, then macs, then the incident in primary school when my friend gave away my burger together with hers to some classmates. I couldn’t blame anyone. Both sides gave their excuses and I was just left in the lurch. Till today I still have no idea what was the best solution, cause no matter as still the one losing out. That was when I told myself I should be mature and get over it, like what everyone hopes of me. It’s selfish of me to think of then somehow repaying me, or at least have an apology, rather than just them brushing it off with ” well I didn’t knows” ” its just a small matters” ” it wasn’t my faults”. But somewhere in my heart today, I still feel that they were the selfish ones.

Guess I haven’t grown up eh?

Dreams

Note: This was an essay written by my sister’s classmate in Secondary 2. I made some edits (like grammer and stuff).

Song playing: Sea – BTS (on repeat)


Her mind was calm, a peaceful sea, as her paintbrush sailed across the canvas, leaving a wake of colour in its trail. The room was silent, save the gentle rise and fall of her breathing. She’d been at this for over an hour. Then, finally, the fingers on her slender hand went limp, relaxed, and released the paintbrush.

“Mommy! I’m done!” Her voice pealed out, bell-clear. Immediately, her bedroom door swung open, and a slim, slight figure edged into her room. The daughter couldn’t see it, but her mother’s face was creased with tiny lines of worry, of anxiety. The daughter couldn’t see it, but her mother’s hair had greyed even more since The Accident. The daughter couldn’t see it, but her mother rarely smiled anymore, and even if she did, the sun in her dark eyes was almost immediately shaded by tears.

For the girl was blind, and had been blind since a fateful car crash nearly two years before. Even now, the mother’s mind still constantly replayed a video that revealed the events of that day, that horrible horrible day that was still stained grey with tears in the mother’s memory.

She remembered, firstly, getting a call from her daughter, her beautiful daughter, who tethered on the brink of being Somebody Big, who had been all set to wow the judges with her stunning paintings. The phone rang, twice, sharp sounds slicing through the serenely anticipating atmosphere. “Hey, mommy. I’m on my way to the Exhibition now. Mrs Soh says that my painting will probably get into the top three. I’ll call you later, okay?” Faith’s voice had been brimming with happiness and excitement, a vase filled with blossoms of expectation.

“All right, baby. Call me. I love you sweetheart.” That had been a lifetime ago, when Faith and her mother’s voices were still rich with joy, enriched with Faith’s dreams of being an artist and her mother’s confidence in her daughter’s potential.

And then the phone call had happened. Two hours after Faut has hung up, another ring from the phone stabbed the air in her mother’s two-room flat. SHe had bounded immediately towards the phone, confidence tilting the corners of her mouth upwards. “Hello?”

The voice in the receiver was not her daughter’s. “Mrs Koh? Hello, this is Mount Alvernia Hospital. Your daughter, Faith was involved in a car accident, one which unfortunately left her unable to see. We’re so sorry.” Note: sorry to interrupt but her teacher put “unlikely conversation” here so…)

The corners of that memory curled inwards, folding it up, away from sight. Despite her mother’s pleas, Fait had insisted on continuing painting, her confidence in her abilities and memory of her talent overriding the fact that she was blind. And her mother had relented, of course. She knew what it was like to have beautiful, glass-clear dreams and then have them brutally smashed by the cruel hammer of reality. She didn’t want her daughter’s hopes to be similarly stomped on. And besides, who knows, she might be good at it, despite her disability.

Now, Faith’s voice sucked her back to the present, drew her away from her memories. “Mommy! I’m done. How does it look?”

Her mother’s eyes barely flitted towards the piece of work. “Oh, sweetheart. It’s lovely. Very nice, very nice. I shall take it outside and hang it up. Good job, sweetie,” she said, injecting her voice with pleasure, surprise, and half a dozen other false emotions. Then her hands crept forward automatically to accept the picture her daughter was holding out so proudly.

“Good. Now go and rest,” she whispered, her heart cracking, just a tiny bit more as she inspected the messy lines and clashing colours of yet another of her daughter’s failed paintings through the smudge of her gathering tears.

Then she took it outside to the living room and placed it gently in the hall cupboard, among the tens of Faith’s other paintings, each one a piece of the jigsaw puzzle that was Faith’s, and her mother’s shattered dreams, their couldn-have-beens.

 

How much do I know?

Song playing: Serendipity – Park Jimin (on repeat)

So I was just thinking back to my batch outing, and scrolling through some of their spam accounts on insta and I just realised that even though I knew them for 4 years, there is still a lot that I don’t know about them, and many sides that I didn’t see. I wondered if I would have viewed them differently or be closer to different people based on their personalities. Like I didn’t know one of my batchmates had a strong interest in some of the seniors in BB. Another was possibly living a similar lifestyle to mine, as in having like-minded parents and all. I didn’t know that one of them was interested in looks and fashion, as she always passed off to me as some one who didn’t care much in that department. I also realised that they were a lot more bonded than I thought, with them pming each other about more private stuff without myself knowing. It kind of made me feel insecure about my position and the amount of significance I am to them. It made me wonder if I should have spent more time trying to know them, but I also remind myself that I have my limitations (parents, similar events and activities). I realised that I learnt the most about them during a span of these few weeks, and not over the time of the past few years. It makes me feel really regretful. 

I wonder if I would feel like this to more and more people around me when I feel that they are leaving or have left. I hope that they gradually reduce, or that I learn that it was not necessary to be that important person to everyone.